The Man Who Once Lived Across From Me.

I still remember what his bed felt like. Cotton, and a foam mattress underneath the bed sheet. It was so soft it hugs your every curve. His large pillows are fluffed regularly before bed every night. He insisted that it feels softer and fresher at night when he fluffs them. Except for one pillow that always remains flattened. Sometimes I wonder why he kept that one. It almost seems useless just laying there. Extremely uncomfortable but somehow still forced to stay there. Never being thrown away despite how meaningless it felt to the bed set. He had a routine every night. Turn his night side table lamp on, reach for a book close by, scroll through the pages until he found the chapter of which he has not read yet and begin reading. Rock climbing and traveling books were his favourite. It reminded him of a very distinctive memory. It was his favourite memory of his ex-wife.


When he was sixteen, he was considered a runaway. He had been in the foster care system his whole life. Jumping from home to home but he never really felt like he belonged his old families always found a reason to bring him back. By the time he was sixteen he was huge. He was almost six feet tall and he was built strong, he had large muscular arms and his stomach had tight abs. He had shaved his head bald and flexed his muscles in the mirror every morning and would scream as loud as he could. He was filled with rage. He told himself he wanted to join the army, he just needed to train his mind to be insensitive to others as they were to him. He seemed intimidating on the outside he knew he would age out of the foster care system and face the world alone at eighteen. He was preparing himself to do so but to his surprise he got adopted. His new mother was sweet but never stood up for herself, his new brother had a small IQ and it seemed as though he didn't have a bright future calling to him. The family called his brother "The fuck up" in the household and his new dad was violent and unstable. Glass would shatter, screaming matches would happen daily and his mom got regularly beat and abused. He hated his new family dynamic. He had seen it in movies and knew the ending wouldn't be good. Now it felt as though, he was in the movie himself, but no parts were scripted. He had no control over his surroundings. His dad hated his brother and wanted someone new to blame in the family. He was getting bored of hitting the same two people repeatedly every night. The dad used him for his muscles, he put him straight to work on the farm where he spent long crucial hours doing the work his dad could do but instead, his dad was too busy drinking. One night he came home late, his brother's truck wasn't in the laneway which meant it was just him and his parent's home that night. He opened the front door and as it creaked something felt eerie in the air. His stomach began to turn. The house was still. Quiet except for the sound of his mother's tears in the kitchen near by. "Please, don't!" She begged for what seemed like dear life. He walked in slowly, preparing himself for anything. He peeked his head around the corner and saw a horrific sight. His adoptive dad was holding a knife to his mother's throat. Her clothes were laying on the floor, she laid there on the cold kitchen floor in only her white panties and bra. He kissed her neck and teased her with the large kitchen steak knife. He said if she moved, he'd stab her. She turned to the adoptive son and mouthed the words "Help" so silently in fear the dad might hurt her if the dad heard her try to escape. The adoptive son ran and pushed his father off her with all his strength. The knife fell to the floor. Now it was the two of them as they fought fist to fist. The mother pulled herself up and ran into a near by bedroom and slammed the door. She hid out of sight, terrified of her own husband. Bright lights reflected from a kitchen window, the lights glared into the room, headlights of a moving vehicle entering the driveway. His brother was home. His brother walked in through the front door and heard a commotion occurring in the kitchen. He stood in the kitchen doorway with such confusion "What is going on? Where's mom?" He insisted on knowing. The dad pushed the adoptive son against the wall and smacked him so hard, his nose began to bleed out of control. The adoptive son proceeded to get up, this fight was far from over. He found an empty beer bottle and had wanted to smash it across his dad's face, but his dad's arm had blocked the shot. Pieces of glass shattered everywhere and the blood on his arm was beginning to drip. The low IQ brother grabbed the phone and proceeded to call 911. The father shouted out "Don't you dare touch that phone, boy! We handle our battles like men. We don't need no pussy police!" His loudmouth dad continued to swear. He charged at the adoptive son and pushed him down a flight of stairs. The adoptive son got back up took a deep breath and suddenly realized where he was. His basement bedroom. With all his things surrounding him. He screamed in agony from all the pain he suffered and witnessed from the hands of his adoptive father. "This is it; I've had it! I'm done!" He spoke to himself. He found his school bag and began silently packing his things. Clothes, pair of shoes, and a warm jacket. All the essentials to survive. He threw his school bag over his shoulder and opened the basement back door and made his escape. "These people don't care about me" He thought to himself. "They have no regards of what could happen to my future." He walked away from the house and continued onto the road. He looked back, giving one last final glance goodbye. He could hear sirens in the distance. He knew they were coming to capture his father. But he wanted no part of it. He continued walking, creating his own path. His own destiny. Not knowing the destination of where he was going.

It had been days of him walking into the unknown, he ate berries from bushes he found in the forest. He got scraps of food he found in alleyways from restaurants throwing away their leftovers. He found moldy bread and pulled away at the black pieces and threw it on the ground and proceeded to eat the rest of the bread that didn't go bad. He spent days traveling alone. He felt isolated at times and hungry but soon he adapted and learnt how to fish, make a fire and build a shelter. But still he wasn't satisfied. He was searching for something. Something he felt he never had. A place to truly call home. He searched the world to find it. Climbing every mountain, he could see over the horizon and canoed on a boat he had found left and deserted washed up on a shoreland. He paddled through different seas and adapted to different weather conditions. Then one day he found a girl, her name was Dee. She was a beautiful Asian, while he was a English Caucasian man. Her English wasn't strong, but he didn't need to know her language to know that he loved her dearly. He promised to bring her to Canada and take her hand in marriage. She agreed. They bought an apartment together and lived many years together. He worked odd jobs and became self-deficient. He knew how important money was and how they needed it to survive. Despite not having an education and never going to the army like he had originally planned he learnt very quickly by using his hands. A lot of the jobs that he found he was always getting his hands dirty. A cook, land scape, laborer and much more. His girlfriend Dee began to pick up on English and soon she stopped asking for his approval, her English rolled off the tongue so naturally and it just felt right. She became a translator for Chinese individuals becoming Canadian Citizens. She taught night school and did it for a few years until she saved enough money for herself to go to school. She then turned to hairdressing and bought a small hairdressing studio on the outskirts of Edmonton, Alberta. As they built their future more and more by the day, he was sure on his decision to ask her hand in marriage, but he worried about the ceremony and if she wanted a big wedding in which he couldn't supply her with. He had no family, little to no friends. He knew their wedding would be small and most likely private, but he feared that it possibly wouldn't be enough for her. She deserved the world but with hardly any money saved up, and no family support behind him he feared she would soon realize and let him go. He knew she could do better, and his past of constant rejection kept him awake at night. He never revealed his dark past to her, but he knew someday he had to. 

One day He and Dee had decided to go camping. He kept something hidden from her. Kept tight in the back pocket of his jeans. He told himself he would get down on one knee and propose once they found the most breath-taking view they could find. Perhaps a sunset across the lake? Or standing at the top of a cliff which overlooked the trees? He had imagined in his mind what it could look like but as every moment passed, he found himself hesitating. At last, the day had passed, and the sun had fallen. The moon lit up the night sky. He felt devastated as he let every perfect opportunity pass him by. What a coward I am! He thought so harshly about himself. He wished he had a friend to confined in that wasn't Dee. 

They built their fire for the night, and they dressed themselves in warm pajamas and hoodies. They cuddled up close to the fire and listened to the loud sparks dance from the burning flame. They wrapped themselves in a warm thick blanket. They listened to the wolves howling in the distance. She reached for the fire and hovered her hands above the hot flame. She rubbed her hands together to keep them warm and toasty. "Beautiful." She whispered. He took a deep breath and decided this was the perfect moment. She spoke about the different rocks they saw on their walk earlier that day. He pulled out a large crystal engagement ring from his pocket and presented it to her. "Yes indeed, we saw lots of rocks today on our nature walk but this one is by far my favourite." She screamed with excitement as he slowly glided the ring on to her skinny finger. The glimmery crystal shined in the moonlight. She stared at amazement. "Shi de!" He looked at her with such wonder. She cleared her throat "My apologies, that means yes in Chinese!"

He closed his chapter book; he would place it down and reach for some medication. He liked to sleep with the bedroom window open. The cool air would enter his room and soon make a draft as he was snuggled tight in his sets of blankets. He didn't believe in security; he always left his front door unlocked. He always believed people would be dumb to cross him as he was a big man now in his forties, and he had no fears in the world, except being abandoned once more. He missed Dee however and still thought about her regularly. Even after their divorce.

 Even though he loved her, abandonment was still in the back of his mind, and he would drink to escape his repressed emotions. At times he would go to a strip club and blow his money on strippers, money he and Dee could have used for their future. Soon they were in debt, and he found himself spiraling out of control. He never learnt how to deal with his past or problems he learnt however he couldn't avoid them. For wherever he went they followed. Dee couldn't understand why her partner was changing it felt as though there were times where she couldn't recognize him. She filed for divorce, and they parted their separate ways.

Then one day I moved into an apartment building. Him and I shared a short elevator ride home. We began talking and soon realized we lived on the same floor and were indeed neighbours. I introduced myself and told him I was Emily, which he responded back "I'm Karson." I was twenty-five while he was now in his fifties. He was a mysterious man who mostly kept to himself. He would smoke cigars out on his balcony and release large smoke puffs into the air and watch it drift away. I would wave to him and on occasion stop by for a small chat. But one night was like no other. We got drunk and he got violent with me, he liked pulling me onto his bed. Sexual acts were in the back of his mind and even though he was thinking of it he never acted on it. But I could see an evil aura within his eyes. they looked deeply dark and disturbed. An once kind soul. Who sadly experienced nothing but torture and heart break from others who surrounded him. We were friends but at times we felt like enemies. He was a toxic man who only wanted to destroy a loving kind relationship which I shared with my boyfriend. When I broke the news that I was engaged he turned cold and silent. He gave me a flower to show me his love but instead in return he got rejection from me. The one thing he constantly feared the most. One day I stopped by unannounced, and I heard him crying. I peeked into his bedroom and asked what was wrong. He was curled up on his king size bed and looked out the window. He seemed withdrawn and depressed. I crawled into bed beside him. "I miss Dee. I will always love her, Emily." I was confused as he announced earlier, he developed strong feelings for me. But I don't think it was me he found himself craving for. But rather the youth in me. He was years ahead of my time and only wished to be young. To redo the mistakes he had made and be connected again to his one true love. He moved out of the apartment complex and moved closer to Dee in hopes she would "accidentally" bump into him, but that opportunity never arise despite them living so close.

Although he was unpredictable, hard to read and at times an unstable man he taught me how important it is to live your youth for one day you'll wake up and it'll be gone. In a blink of an eye and all we'll have left is regret from not speaking what stood in our hearts for all these years and broken memories that only replay in your mind. So, the question remains. Is he evil? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. Perhaps, he's just a broken soul. A man who never did find the one place he could call home. He discovered however it wasn't a place but rather a person and he let her slip away. Right between his fingers… Dee.

The End.