Wherever I go

I stood there in front of their tomb stones, carved with their names, planted side by side to each other. I stood there holding a bouquet of flowers. Yellow daisies and red roses, they were my mom's favourite. They dangled from my tight hold. I shook them so nervously that a few petals fell to the ground. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't nearly prepared for your death, you and dad's. You passed away too soon. You can't watch me graduate, give my valedictorian speech, watch me head out to college, bring home a freshman college boy for thanksgiving dinner. Get married, watch me walk down the aisle. But saddest of all, the most vulnerable moment you will sadly get to miss is meeting your first grandchild and holding that new precious delicate life in your hands. Continuing our family tree, welcoming home a new addition. A new beginning. I felt a single tear run down my face. I looked up at the crowd, your funeral is surrounded by those who loved you and had the pleasure of meeting you. Even Betty Lou, the co worker you used to work with at the hospital and you strongly disliked her, and you made it well known. Or Joe, our one neighbour, who always cuts his grass way too early and it annoys dad. They get into yelling matches in the front yard while Dad is still dressed in his pajamas. "Ashely, would you like to say a few words?" A voice says within the crowd. I take a deep breath. I wasn't a big fan of public speaking. I took out a piece of paper I had hidden in the pockets of my jacket. I began to uncrumple it. I speak on your behalf of all your beloved memories, our inside stories and how I was your little bean. That's what you and dad used to call me.

I spoke harshly about the incident that you and dad suffered. A transport truck was driving at full speed on the highway in the harsh winters, the icy road made it hard to steer. He had gotten a flat while driving ten miles over the speed limit, his brakes failed to work. His vehicle was colliding. The truck slid sideways on the ice and struck into a near by-passing vehicle. A red SUV, which just so happened to be my parent's vehicle. They left me home alone that day to enjoy a date night with each other, to celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary. Twenty years of a beautiful, wonderful marriage. However, their happy marriage and picture-perfect family would be scattered and broken in a matter of minutes. When paramedics arrived on scene, they found the transport truck was flipped on its side. Taking up a huge portion of the road. Cars honked their horns. A huge traffic jam was formed due to the sudden crash. The paramedics found large amounts of blood residue on the vehicle window. They found a bloody handprint on the passenger seat, it appeared my mother was trying to signal for help but unfortunately help came too late. The paramedics were able to burst open the vehicle door and pull both of my parents out. They carried them onto two separate stretchers. My mom's face was a pool of blood, gasping for air. While my father remained unconscious. The paramedics rushed them both to the hospital, as well as the transport truck driver. Doctors said the likelihood of surviving such a horrific scene was zero to none. They declared them both dead just minutes after arriving to the hospital. The driver of the transport truck suffered a sever head injury. He died two days later in the ER. Mom had written a will years before the incident. She had suffered lung cancer stage three. Years before this. She thought at the time her days were limited she prepared living arrangements for me. She would squeeze my hand in the hospital and speak about heaven and how she always wondered about it. However, she was a survivor she cheated death, but it wasn't long until it finally caught up to her. You always wondered about heaven perhaps heaven wondered about you too and subconsciously granted you that wish.

I took a step back. Everyone laid a rose down on the closed coffins about to be buried six feet into the ground. "I'm sorry for your loss." I felt hugs from acquaintances, reassurance from family members. They all slowly began to make their way back to their vehicles. A crowd dressed in all black until eventually it was just me. Still standing, remaining in front of your tombstones. They may have said their goodbyes, but I still needed time. I watched the gate keeper slowly bring the coffins down and bury dirt onto the hard shiny surfaces. I took that as a social cue to pay my final respects and walk away. I felt the cold winter breeze pick up and I followed the direction of the wind. I proceeded to leave the cemetery looking back giving one last final glance goodbye.I walked slowly to a grey mini van, My Aunt and Uncle were waiting inside of the vehicle. "So, you said your final goodbyes?" My uncle Max asked. He was rather older, in his late forties and he had a beer gut. His hair was beginning to turn grey. He wore oval glasses that highlighted his hazel eyes. My Aunt Sue was tall and petite, she had long thin black hair that ended at her hips. She had green eyes and a long narrow nose that stuck out of her face. I nodded and climbed in. My mother had arranged that I stay with them until I'm eighteen, two years time from now. She had written it in her will. My mother and her sister were close when they were kids but when they reached adulthood they drifted apart. I barely saw my aunt and uncle; I was surprised when my mother decided to make them my new legal guardians. I buckled my seatbelt and we drove off. I blew on the car window creating a cloud of fog I began to draw with my index finger gently rubbing the glass. Stick figures, a child with their mom and dad. I haven't drawn stick figures since I was eight, but I realized at that moment it's been ages since we last took our family portrait, now we won't ever get the chance.

The Grey mini van made a gentle stop at an apartment complex. The apartment looked old, it reeked of a desperate paint job and the structure of the building didn't look too secure. It looked to be a place where lower class men stay, this gave me the realization that my aunt and uncle weren't finically stable. They were struggling. I tried not to judge, I couldn't control my living situation as well as theirs. I just had to make the best of it for the time being. My uncle exited the vehicle and popped open the hood. He grabbed a few of my suitcases while I insisted on carrying the rest. I carried a backpack of old clothes and books we had packed from my old house, that was now in foreclosure. My uncle jiggled his keys until one finally fit in the apartment front doors. The front doors creaked as an eery sound echoed as you made your way into the front foyer. Perhaps a few bolts were loose and needed to be adjusted and screwed on properly. The hallway appeared skinny and narrow. There were flyers posted on the walls "babysitter wanted." "All visitors must sign in if their staying after hours." Then the hallway came to an abrupt stop to two large elevator doors. My uncle pressed on the top floor button, and we waited to hear the elevator door ding. I felt anxiety race through my body, I tried to imagine what it would be like to live here. I realized I didn't know this area of the city at all, I would be starting at a new school halfway through the semester. I looked up at my aunt Sue, she was breathing heavily she seemed exhausted and ashamed to show me where she and my uncle lived. But I tried to show her it was okay. We heard a ding and the elevator door slid open creating a clear opening for us to enter and stand on. We made our way inside. My uncle pressed on "Level 2." The elevator doors closed. We stood in silence, waiting again for that second ding. When we finally reached the second floor, the elevator doors opened for us once again. I made my way out. I squeezed on the straps of my backpack. I heard fighting from a near by room "I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING YOUR MOTHER OVER! I DON'T LIKE HER WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!" Then another room with a loud dog barking. It sounded as though the dog's face was pressed up against the door snarling at anyone who happens to walk by. A few doors that had cardboard mail packages spread out neatly in front of a room number. I followed my uncle Max and aunt Sue to the end of the hallway. To our room number, #208. My uncle slid the apartment keys in and turned the doorknob. I turned on the lights. I was mortified by my new surroundings. The wallpaper in the living room was starting to fall off in some places. Yellow ivy flowers with green stems. A large blue sofa and a black stained coffee table. Tea that was still in a teacup that looked to be bought from a second-hand thrift store was still sitting on the coffee table facing the Television set. I continued walking, there was a wall that divided the two rooms, behind the wall was the kitchen. It was all black and felt very crowded, it looked to be made for just one person at a time. The counter space was limited and there were liquid stains remaining on the counter tops. I looked back at my uncle, "Where's my bedroom?" I asked him. He coughed, "Follow me child." He began walking in front of me, he led me past the bathroom and showed me a rustic wooden door. "There you are child. We will give you some time to unpack some of your belongings." I reached for the doorknob and began to turn it. I felt unprepared for what I was about to see, the door started making a loud creaking noise. Bright lights beamed at me I continuously blinked to stop it from burning, I placed my hand above my eyebrows shielding my eyes as they got adjusted to the harsh light. I was facing a window, but not just any window. It had an emergency exit with metal railings and a ladder to pull down and climb to exit the building. I went to go examine the view, but all it was, was a dirty alley way with a large rustic building just right across from me. I looked up and saw a teenage boy who looked to be my age, he lived on the floor above me. He was smoking a joint, blowing off small puffs of smoke into the air before allowing it to disappear. I looked down and saw a much older woman on the first floor watering some plants she had laid out on the fire escape window. I realized I could see a huge majority of my neighbors. I pulled myself away from the window. I looked around my room. Old bed springs that had a dusty lumpy mattress placed on top. There was a bedside table with an office lamp and a hello kitty alarm clock. An empty white dresser pushed against the wall, with its drawers open. The walls were covered in red roses and green leaves as wallpaper, but some parts of it looked faded as if it was losing some sight of its colours. I placed some of my packing boxes onto my bed, I watched the mattress sink due to the sudden pressure of the cardboard boxes. I began to unpack and put everything in its place when I heard my name being called for dinner. I lifted my nose up to the air and smelt mom's secret recipe for vegetarian lasagna. Now, it's starting to feel more like home.

The Next Day

I arrived home from school and placed my school bag on the sofa. I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed an apple. I polished it on my shirt and blew on it and then bit into it. I heard my name being called in a frustrated tone, I quickly turned around. "Ashely! That's not where your school bag goes!" I turned around quickly "Oh Aunt Sue, I'm sorry I didn't see you there." She folds her arms "Obviously." I walked towards her "I'm sorry I'll go put my school bag in my bedroom." I proceeded to walk past her, but she grabs my arm and stops me. "Aunt Sue… you're hurting me." I can feel the pressure of the hold beginning to be tightened. "Ashley, you need some manners. Maybe it was okay with your mother, but it isn't okay with me." I felt my eyes become watery. "Aunt Sue… I didn't mean anything by it." She raised her hand. I felt my body become stiff as if I couldn't move. She slaps me across the face. My hair falls from the motion of the slap and covers my eyes. The left side of my face feels hot and irritated, I can feel the blood rushing from the side of my face. I cover my left cheek with my hand and stand there in disbelief, I let go of my apple and it rolls across the hardwood floor. My uncle walks in through the front door. The apple rolls and touches the edge of his shoes. He seems confused, "An apple?" he reaches down and picks it up. He looks at me. I can see his expression between the gaps of the strands of my hair covering my face. Aunt Sue turns and gives me a harsh look. I shouldn't tell him what happened kind of stare. I can feel her intense stare piercing my insides. I grab my school bag and quickly run to my bedroom, down the hall. I close the door and back up onto my bed. I lean against the wall and pull my knees up to my chest, burying my face into my once nice blue jeans now covered in mascara stains. I begin to smell marijuana. I can smell it lingering in the air. I lean towards the window. I poke my head out. I scan every direction trying to figure out where the god-awful scent is coming from. Then I look upwards, I see my sixteen-year-old neighbour sitting on the fire escape. His feet dangle and he's holding onto the railing. He's wearing a gray jacket with red woolen mittens. He turns and looks at me. "Want a puff?" I turn away and nod no. I worry however that my aunt and Uncle will complain about the smell. I climb out of my window and close it behind me. I sit on the cold rustic metal and let my legs dangle. My neighbor fixes his posture and looks more mysterious. He holds onto the railing and makes his way down to me. He plops himself beside me. "I'm Dylan and you are?" I'm unsure what to think of him and his character, I act shy and guarded and move myself closer to my bedroom window. He takes another hit of his joint. "Ah, so your one of those shy girls, are you? Well, when your ready to talk I'll be upstairs. I don't bite by the way." He stands up and begins to leave when he notices my bruised face "Hey what happened to you?" I realize a mark must be there from the incident that just occurred. I cover my face with my hands. "Nothing." I turn around and climbed back into my bedroom window.

9:00 pm
I start making myself ready for my bedtime routine, I brush my teeth in the bathroom, lay school clothes aside for the morning ahead. I get changed into my pajamas. A large grey baggy sweater with matching cozy pajama bottoms. I see snowflakes dance in the air outside. Small, tiny ice crystals begin to form around the frame of my bedroom window. It feels like a winter wonderland outside, except the wind is quite strong I can hear whirl sounds as the wind picks up heavy amounts of snow and makes it dance in the air. I crawl into my bed and set my alarm. I hate the noise that my bedspring makes perhaps I could look for a job after school and replace it with something more efficient. I pull my blanket up to my chin and rest my head on my pillow. The room is dark the only light I see are the cracks of bare minimum light under neath my bedroom door, and the natural light coming in from the outside. Suddenly, I see two dark shadows block some light from underneath my bedroom door. Someone was standing right outside my door. I sat up, curious and confused. My bedroom door slowly began to open. A figure appeared in the harsh hallway light. I rubbed my eyes and re opened them. "Uncle Max?" He walked into my room. "Sorry Child, I didn't mean to frightened you." He came towards me and sat on the edge of my bed. "How are you adjusting?" My mind became blank, should I tell him what happened earlier between Aunt Sue and I? What if he doesn't believe me? I lied between my teeth. "Fine. Thank you." He started rubbing the blanket, my legs were curled up underneath. "How are your classes? English? Math? Sex ED?" I pulled myself away. Sex ED? What a bizarre question… I started to feel a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Uncle Max, what are you implying?" He gave me false reassurance "Now child, don't be startled. You're at that age where boys might start to develop an interest in you. Tell me, have your father and mother given you the birds and bees talk yet?" I feel completely uneasy. "I already know it. Thank you though." I try and give him an indicator that I was rather tired and ready for bed, I yawned and rubbed my eyes trying to urge him to leave. But he decided to stay. I felt more uncomfortable by the minute, He started getting closer to me. "You know the Mrs. and I; we've been having troubles in the bedroom lately… if you know what I mean." My eyes become teary. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I feel my heart racing, anxiety begins to enter my body. I pull my knees up to my chest trying to guard myself. He climbs onto the bed. "No… please don't!" I beg. He grabs my legs and pulls on them. I slide down. I cover my face and cry into the palms of my hands. He climbs on top of me. "Please Stop!" I beg. I push and turn away trying to dodge his every kiss. He see's an opening and kisses my cheek. His sloppy wet kiss followed with a terrible bad odor breath makes me want to vomit. I begin slapping him and screaming. He covers my mouth with his hand. "Quiet!" He raises his hand and slaps me across the face. I flip to my stomach, and I bury my face into my pillow and begin to cry. He strokes my hair and tries to find another opening to kiss me once more. But just as he's about to he hears his name being called from the kitchen. He grabs my head and shoves it into my pillow making it hard for me to breathe. I begin kicking and hitting him, but I can't see him, my aim is terrible, and I'm left feeling exhausted and out of breath. He threatens me "Don't speak a word about this to anyone, you hear me child!" He grabs a fist full of my hair and yanks it. he looks at me in the eyes and spits on my face. "To be continued." He laughs and releases his hold of me. I drop to my pillow. I'm hugging the soft cushion feeling terrified and depressed. I hear him climb off my bed and open my bedroom door and vanish. The room is silent. However, I'm left unable to fall asleep. Feeling frightened, cold and all alone.

The Next Morning

I look outside the whole street is frozen and it looks terribly cold. I stand up and get changed into my school clothes, I look in the bathroom mirror before applying my makeup. A purple bruise on my left cheek and a freshly new bruise under my right eye. My hair looks tangled, and it looks as though I lost a bit of hair last night in the side of my scalp. I brush my hair and try and cover it to smooth it over. I apply my makeup. Although it hides the bruises, there's still some dark shadows that are peeking through tiny air holes of the foundation. I grab my mother's old locket and wear it around my neck. It flows gently with the black long sleeve I have on, with a pair of dark blue skinny jeans. I twirl the locket a few times remembering my mother and the tight bond we once shared together. I put my white sneakers on and grab my school bag and head towards the front door. My uncle is drinking freshly made coffee on the sofa, he's watching the morning news he pauses and looks at me "Such a beautiful girl, look at what we have here." He undresses me with his eyes and sips on his coffee. I hold on tight to my necklace Please protect me mom. I don't think you knew these people, as well as you thought you did. I think to myself. My aunt turns around from the refrigerator. She closes it and approaches me. I'm inches away from the front door. She looks at me "What are you holding onto?" I freeze. "It's my mom's old locket. She gave it to me." Aunt Sue walked closer to me "Let me see it." I hold onto it tight. "No, it's my mom's." I back up. She reaches out and grabs a hold of it and yanks it hard off my neck, she breaks the chain and holds the silver locket in her hand. "In case you've forgotten your mom is dead." She lets go of it and I watch it fall to the ground. She stomps on it and breaks it. Tiny pieces of the necklace scatter everywhere. I grab the front door and rush my way out. My emotions are everywhere, anger, depression, despair, confusion. "Why did she make these people my new care takers?" I leave the apartment building and walk through heavy amounts of snow. I make my way to a city bus stop when a familiar face stops me and approaches me. "Hey! It's me Dylan, your neighbour. I don't think I ever caught your name." Dylan's sudden approach caught me off guard. "It's Ashley." I quickly answer back. Dylan shivers waiting for the city bus to arrive. "Is that another bruise?" I quickly pull my hair in front of my face to hide it. I guess my makeup didn't blend it in well enough. "I fell last night, I can be really clumsy sometimes." Dylan doesn't seem too convinced with my answer. "Are you going to Riverdale high?" He asked me. I pause. "That's my high school. Why, are you going there too?" He gives me a smile. "Today is my first day. I was hoping I could bus there but the bus seems to be off schedule today. Do you mind if I walk with you?" I hesitate at first but eventually nod, giving him my approval. We walk together to our high school. We exchange simple small conversation until we arrive at school. I enter my home room class and sit in the middle row. Dylan sits one seat behind me. The teacher writes an assignment on the chalk board. I begin to read the instructions write a five-hundred-word essay on how your life has changed since last year, then give an oral presentation to the whole class. I sink in my chair. What am I going to write about? I couldn't possibly tell them the truth. Dylan taps my shoulder. "I can't wait to see what you write about!" I give him a quick smile. The bell rings and the class is dismissed.

That night

I look outside my bedroom window. I see Dylan sitting out on the fire escape watching the stars. I turn off my bedroom light and curl up into bed. I see two shadows form underneath my bedroom door. Uncle Max… I thought to myself. I stand up and grab my white sneakers and open the window and crawl outside. I throw my hoodie up and cover my hair from the snow. I crawl onto the fire escape. I look for the ladder and wiggle it until it falls. I grab onto the railing and begin to climb down. Dylan stands up. "Ashely?" I look up. "Sorry Dylan I have to go." I climb down and then jump into the snow. My white sneakers absorb the snow, and my feet start to feel cold. I run as fast as I can, not even taking a second to look back. Moments later, I find myself on the beach. The water is frozen solid, ice is formed and there's a clear blanket of snow covering the sand. I see a public bathroom. I open it with curiosity. Someplace warm, that's all I need right now. I close the door behind me, and I realize that it locks. I feel a sense of relief. I see a shower curtain and open it. An empty shower with a built-in soap dispensary stuck on the wall. I start the shower, it's warm. I undress and stand in. I don't want anyone to touch me. My delicate vulnerable virgin skin. It deserves love. Not abuse, betrayal, broken trust and bruises. I rub the soap along my body. This is the only place I feel safe. However, I know this feeling is just temporary. I turn the shower off and clear the steam from the bathroom mirror. I look at my own reflection, what was once a beautiful face with innocent freckles and a skinny nose is now covered in bruises. I'm ashamed that I allowed this to happen for so long, embarrassed that I feel more safe showering in public rather than the place I'm supposed to call home. Terrible with how I left things with Dylan. I leave the public bathroom and throw the hood of my hoodie back over my head, protecting my wet hair from the thick snow fall. I make my way back to my apartment. I stand on the sidewalk staring at the old rustic apartment abuilding, I'm hesitate about entering. If I return, I might get hit again, but if I don't where will I live? I walk towards the ladder of the side of the building, I jump and begin to climb. I climb up and make my way up the fire escape. I climb to the second floor. I look up to Dylan's window. He isn't there. He must be sleeping. I wonder what time it is. I go to my bedroom window and reach for the latch and proceed to open it. I climb inside. I instantly receive a harsh slap. I fall from the shock and fear, I knock my alarm clock down due to my sudden fall. I'm sitting on the floor, my back against the wall, just touching the surface of the window. I felt the wind get knocked out of me, I look up to Aunt Sue standing above me. "How dare you leave this place without our permission!" I sit there staring at the floor, I knew I shouldn't have returned home. Aunt Sue continued to scold me "Now get up, get dressed you will be late for school!" She leaves and slams my bedroom door. I stand and pick up my alarm clock that fell, I quickly look at the time. 6:30 am, I walk over to my dresser and pick out new clothes. I look in the mirror and add concealer to another bruise. I brush my hair, grab my school bag and head out the front door. My uncle Max reaches in front of me and shuts the door in front of my face preventing me from leaving. I turn around, he's standing in front of me. He twirls my long ginger hair "I missed you last night." A tear falls from my eye. I grab the knob door, quickly twist it and run out.

I enter my homeroom and I see Dylan already sitting in his seat. I cover my face with more of my hair and I sit quietly in my chair. My homeroom teacher welcomes the class and talks about our presentation. It slipped my mind! I didn't do the assignment and it was due today. She calls upon students to give their oral speeches to the class. I sit and listen about different trips of traveling, such as going to Rome or New York for the summer. Some Students spoke about moving and how they upgraded and moved houses into a bigger more comfortable home. It made me feel miserable and I just wanted to disappear. Finally, it was my turn, I looked at my teacher Mrs. Smith and told her I didn't do it. She asked why and I whispered "I don't own a computer I couldn't type it and the city bus ride home doesn't stop at the library it's too far. It's not that I didn't do it, I just couldn't do it." I felt humiliation and shame. She reassured me "It's okay Ashley. But you still need to do the oral presentation. It's a requirement." I stand up. I make my way to the front of the class. All eyes are on me, I feel a huge amount of pressure. The room is silent, some students are yawning anxiously watching the clock waiting for the bell to ring. I look at Dylan. He was the only one who noticed the bruises. I took a deep breath. Should I confess? I wonder to myself.

"My parents passed away last year." Mrs. Smith interrupted me "Ashley, I'm so sorry." I continue speaking. "My Aunt and Uncle they took me in. But… I don't think they wanted me. In fact, they hit me and on occasion my uncle tries to touch me. I escape in the middle of the night sometimes just to escape the abuse. I come to school and do my assignments and I pretend that everything is alright, but the truth is, I'm so scared that I don't shower at my own place because I'm afraid my uncle will walk in and rape me. Our bathroom door doesn't have a lock, so instead I shower in public places that do have a lock. That's how my life has significantly changed" Dylan stands up "I saw you leaving one night… but I didn't know." Mrs. Smith looks at me "Ashley, you know I must report this. Child services will have to visit your home and-" I don't let her finish. Instead, I walk out of the classroom and enter the hallway. She calls for me from the classroom "Ashley, where are you going?" I continue walking until I eventually leave the school. Back on the streets, the only place I felt safe. Mom, Dad if you can hear me give me a sign. Show me where to go from here. Just at that moment the wind picks up, a newspaper clipping falls at my feet. It's torn, missing the remaining of the letters but I look down and examine it. Reading the word "Right." I continue walking and take a right sharp turn, there's a road filled with houses but at the end of the block stood large oak trees and an abandoned trailer home. I make my way towards the trailer home, it looks deserted. I open the trailer home door. "Hello?" I search through each room. Empty. I open the closet, a few jackets, sweaters and jogging pants. I open the kitchen cabinets. I cough from all the dust and spider webs. Behind the spider webs stood cans of food. Beans in a can, chicken noddle soup and a carton of expired milk. I close the cabinets and exit the trailer home. I begin inspecting around it. I found a bike leaned against the back of the trailer home. I cry silently "Thanks mom and dad." I climb on to the bicycle, it's still in good condition. I hop on the bike and begin peddling until I see a "Help Wanted" sign in a bakery window. I park the bike and enter the front doors. A bell chimes. "Hi, I'd like to apply for a job." The store clerk gave me a sweet smile she tucks her short brunette hair behind her ears. "Sure, just fill out this form please." I hand her my document once I'm done. Thanks mom and dad. I know wherever I go, there you are. I mumble to myself.

A high school drop out, an abuse survivor, now homeless living in a trailer home, I knew the statistics I would either be addicted to drugs, arrested or dead within the year. But I dismissed that thought from continuing further inside my mind. I knew I was going to make something out of myself. This was just rock bottom, however there's simply no other way to go from here but up. A lone survivor, lone wolf but by now I was used to being on my own. In fact, it was beginning to feel comfortable.